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The semester is winding down you are probably celebrating the completion of finals and ready to unplug.  While you spent time developing in the classroom and you were also developing outside the classroom as well.  One of your daily development opportunities is your interaction with your roommate(s).  The end of the semester is a good time to assess how things are going with your current living situation and to start thinking about next semester.  You and your roommate should have developed a friendship and if you are lukewarm to friendship, there should be a level of respect.

How do you and your roommate communicate?  Do you handle disagreements in a respectful manner?  Are you prepared to complete another semester with your current roommate?  Do you have any concerns?  Are they major concerns like health, safety, and ability to comfortably use your room? Are you a positive influence on each other?  These are questions you need to consider as you enter the new semester.

If you are experiencing major issues, those that are preventing you from comfortably enjoying your room, are safety threats, or those that may jeopardize your success in school, you need to address them before starting a new semester.  You should attempt to talk to your roommate and see if you are able to resolve.  If you are unable to resolve, you should consult your resident advisor.  If there are major concerns, that may be not be resolved you should explore a room transfer. The room transfer may not be an option, as there are several factors that impact the transfer.  A transfer may incur a fee, there may not be anywhere to transfer you or your transfer options will be limited, and it will require you to pack and move all of your belongings.  Another major factor to consider before transferring is really evaluating your current situation.  It is good to know wat you currently have, as entering a new situation will be encountering the unknown.  All the work that you have put into your current living situation, will also be required in your new situation.  This time you will be coming into an already established living arrangement, you will need to get to know your new roommate(s), and develop a new system, learn expectations, and earn each other’s respect.

If things are going well (and even if they are not) while thinking about next semester you also need to consider next year as well.  Housing selection for next year will occur rather early in the semester and if you wait until the end of the semester you may run the risk of not having housing or not obtaining your top choices.  Housing options to consider upperclassmen building, Greek Life housing, on or off campus apartment, or stay where you currently reside.  Whichever decision you choose, you will need to make a commitment as early as February (this is typically priority deadline for on-campus housing) and some started back in October (off campus housing recruitment can begin as early as October).

While you gear up for your winter break.  Take a few moments to reflect on your housing situation this semester and think about your housing options for next year.  This will serve as a great discussion piece with your parents over the break.  Let them know how things are going, get another perspective, and discuss options for next year.

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As you are nearing the midway point of your semester, take a minute and think about your relationship with your roommate. Do you love your roommate, you get along great and you have no issues? Or, like so many students, are you struggling with conflict with your roommate but aren’t sure what your options are? This is the time to truly think about how you feel, especially as you make decisions about roommates for next semester or next year, depending on your university. Don’t feel obligated to stay with someone if it isn’t working for you, and don’t feel like it’s too late for you to get a roommate if you’ve lived alone this semester.

If you lived alone this semester and you’d like a roommate for next year, talk to your RA or landlord. Sometimes just having a conversation can help them keep you in mind the next time someone is looking for an apartment, or your RA can pass on to the housing office that you would like a roommate. Many times throughout the year, residents move in and out of their rooms, and so it’s very likely that you would get a roommate if you remove the “live alone” option.

If you have a roommate now but it’s not working out for you, take stock of the situation. Why are you having these issues? If they are simple issues like they’re eating all your food, constantly having people over, or they aren’t sharing the responsibilities of cleaning equally, then first try talking to your roommate frankly. Explain to them how their behavior affects you, and you just might find that is enough to solve the problem. A lot of times, your roommate is not even aware that you are upset and they can be totally blindsided when you want to move on to another roommate. After you have talked to your roommate, if the situation does not improve that is the time to involve your RA. Don’t let this wait until the end of the year and during finals week start talking about how much you hate your roommate, go to your RA now and explain the situation. They can facilitate a meeting between you and your roommate that might help mediate the situation, and they can involve their supervisor if room changes need to happen.

The important thing to remember with roommates is that this is a learning experience, for you and for them. Depending on the set-up in your residential hall, you could be sharing a room and/or a bathroom with multiple people who all come from different backgrounds and have different viewpoints, and this can create conflict. The key to good roommate relations is communication. Don’t ignore problems as they arise, take the time to talk about them. Along with that, do not shut your roommate out if they come to you to complain about one of your behaviors. Take their complaint seriously and try to make sure your behavior is not creating a hostile environment. College roommates can either be cordial or friends for life, but there is no reason you should have to live in a battleground. Respect and communication will help make your roommate experience a positive one instead of a horror story.

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Coming together to live as one sounds like a great love story, right? Well this is actually the tale of two roommates coming together to peacefully live under one roof.  You will encounter people from all walks of life and varying backgrounds.  When two people come together and begin to share parts of your world with someone else, conflict is inevitable.  Conflict happens and it is completely natural and normal.  The question you have to ask yourself, is the conflict healthy.  How you resolve the conflict can determine the successfulness of the roommate relationship.  When dealing with conflict keep the following points in mind:

  1.  Write down your issues.  Be sure to stick to the facts removing personal feelings from interfering with what the true issues were.
  2. Involve a third party.  Ask your RA for an impartial third party to identify the issues of both parties. If things get out of      control, the third party can help keep things on track.
  3. Give and Take. Be willing to bend on issues.  You will not be able to get everything your way and your roommate will not be able to get everything their way.  Know which issues are most important to you and which issues you are willing to bend.
  4. Fight Fair. Avoid cursing, name calling, and personal attacks. Attack the issues and not the person.
  5. Be willing to apologize.  Saying I’m sorry can go a long way.  It may be the only thing that matters to the roommate and their desire to resolve the issue.

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It is now almost a month into the Spring semester, for new roommates the honeymoon phase is nearing the end, and for continuing roommates you getting back into the swing of things.  By now, you should have a good understanding for each other’s preferred lifestyle. For some this may be working out perfectly, while for others it may be challenging to forge two different lives together.

You will need to be honest from the start.  Decide for yourself what is acceptable for your living environment, what is not acceptable for your living environment, and what are your nonnegotiable items.  Nonnegotiable are the deal breakers for you, these are things that you cannot live with.   After confirming how you feel about the issues you should schedule a time to talk with your roommate(s) and create house rules or a roommate agreement.  You should treat this meeting seriously and as you would any business deal.

Many universities have roommate agreement forms available through your RA to help walk you through the process. The roommate agreement allows you to talk about issues before they occur. The agreement should be taken seriously and done as soon as possible.  The agreement will help comfortably have tough conversations before an incident occurs. Even if your school does not have an official form, you can complete a roommate agreement on paper. Whatever method you use be sure to post it in the room to serve as a reminder to everyone.

Before you decide that things are just not working out and want to move, consider if you have done everything that you could do in the situation.  There are a few questions you may want to consider.  The first thing to consider- are my roommate rights being violated?  Each resident has rights in their room.  Each roommate has the right to be comfortable, respected, and to have privacy in your room.  If rights are not being violated, it is probably a rather simple situation where you will need to compromise and meet in the middle.  If rights are being violated, it is probably a more complex problem and you will need to discuss the issues with your RA during a roommate mediation.

Relationships are about compromise and realizing that someone does things differently than you may do things can be difficult to adjust to. Evaluate if your requests are reasonable. It is reasonable to ask your roommate(s) to discuss overnight guest prior to them staying, but it may not be reasonable to ask your roommate(s) to never have guests in the room.  It is reasonable to request that your roommate(s) not disturb you while are studying, but it may be unreasonable if you do not reciprocate.  You will need to compromise and meet in the middle and find a solution that will work for both of you.

The last thing to consider- did I do everything I could? After you have tried everything—an agreement, setting expectations, compromising, discussing differences, and an RA mediation, you may determine the living situation may not be the best and a move may be the best solution.  It is possible that things just will not work and nothing you do or say will help.  It is okay to move on after you have done all you can in the situation. Your RA can assist you in locating a new room. You want to make the moving out process and smooth as possible. You never want to burn bridges, it is a small world and you never know when you may come across that person or someone that knows that person in the future.

In the end, it may not work out and that is okay.  It is important to remember to give it a chance.  It may be awkward and require more attention at first, but as long as you develop and display a mutual respect for each other, you should be able to make it work for the short time you will be living together.  When your relationship hits a little turbulence, do not run away, stick it out and do everything on your end to make it work.

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It is probably safe to say the honeymoon is over.  You have been living with your roommate for a few weeks now.  By now, you should have a good understanding for each other’s preferred lifestyle.  Everything from cleanliness to study habits to sleeping patterns have been discovered. It is after the first few weeks when roommates stop being polite and the “real” person comes out.  

As mentioned in chapter two of The Freshman Survival Guide, “don’t be a doormat.” From the very beginning, you will need to be honest with the things that you do and do not like. The best thing you can do for your new living arrangement is to create a roommate contract.  Many universities have forms available through your RA to help walk you through the process. The roommate contract allows you to talk about issues before they occur; like who will do the cleaning, what is considered clean, do you need prior approval to have guests, can you sleep with noise, etc. The agreement should be taken seriously and done as soon as possible.  The agreement will help comfortably have tough conversations before an incident occurs. Even if your school does not have an official form, you can complete a roommate agreement on paper. Whatever method you use be sure to post it in the room to serve as a reminder to everyone.

Once you meet the “real” person, you may decide that the situation is not working out.  Before you decide to bail on the situation there are a few questions you may want to consider.  The first thing to consider- are my roommate rights being violated?  Each resident has rights in their room.  Without going into boring details the gist of roommate rights is that you have a right to be comfortable, respected and to have privacy in your room.  If things are not going so smoothly you have to first ask am I violating my roommates rights or are my rights being violated.  Answering this question will determine the severity of the roommate conflict.  If rights are not being violated, it is probably a rather simple situation where you will need to compromise and meet in the middle.  If rights are being violated, it is probably a more complex problem and you will need to discuss the issues with your RA during a roommate mediation.

The next thing you want to consider- are you being unreasonable with your request? Relationships are about compromise and realizing that someone does things differently than you may do things. It is reasonable to ask your roommate to discuss overnight guest prior to them staying, but it may not be reasonable to ask your roommate to never have guests in the room.  It is reasonable to request that your roommate not disturb you while are studying, but it may be unreasonable if you do not reciprocate.  It is reasonable to set up a cleaning schedule, but it may be unreasonable that you do not help purchase cleaning supplies. What seems reasonable to you may not be interpreted the same way by your roommate.  You two will need to compromise and meet in the middle and find a solution that will work for both of you.

The next thing you want to consider- how do you want to handle conflict?  This can also be addressed in your roommate agreement.  Some roommates agree to talk about it, some choose to use notes, some choose to use a neutral party and use the RA.  Figure out what works best for your situation.  Make sure you know what is bothering you.  Chapter two in the book offers different types of roommates and the “issues” they may bring to the table.  Be sure you are clear in your own mind what the problem is, have examples, and also offer and be willing to listen to solutions. Chapter two also offers techniques for communicating positively; use “I” statements, positive reinforcement, and offer support. Keep in mind the RA is a source of support for the both of you.  If you need a neutral third party, ask the RA to sit in and facilitate a mediation. The RA has been trained in this area and can offer insight into helping to resolve the situation. 

The last thing to consider- did I do everything I could? After you have tried everything—an agreement, setting expectations, compromising, discussing differences, and an RA mediation, you may determine the living situation may not be the best and a move may be the best solution.  It is possible that things just will not work and nothing you do or say will help.  It is okay to move on after you have done all you can in the situation. Your RA can assist you in locating a new room. You want to make the moving out process and smooth as possible. You never want to burn bridges, it is a small world and you never know when you may come across that person or someone that knows that person in the future. 

In the end, it did not work out and that is okay.  It is important to remember to give it a chance.  It may be awkward and require more attention at first, but as long as you develop and display a mutual respect for each other, you should be able to make it work for the short time you will be living together.  When your relationship hits a little turbulence, do not run away, stick it out and do everything on your end to make it work.  If you are experiencing a difficult situation with your roommate, feel free to email an Interactive RA at ra@nullthefreshmansurvivalguide.com.