Excerpt

CHAPTER 2 BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR FRIENDSHIP BUT STINGY WITH YOUR TRUST

An exclusive excerpt from The Freshman Survival Guide…

by Nora Bradbury-Haehl and Bill McGarvey College is a time for asking all sorts of questions, from smaller ones like, “How can I cope with a difficult roommate?” to much bigger issues such as, “What should I be doing with my life?” Busted Halo’s Freshman Survival Guide is the first college guide to offer a holistic look into the lives of college students by combining practical advice on student life — academics, relationships and lifestyle — with guidance on coping with the emotional and spiritual issues college students face. Our Freshman Guide is an essential companion for the countless number of students facing this range of questions for the first time.

Tens of thousands of readers have benefited from our Guide online in these last few years (and many more have downloaded and handed out our one-sheet PDF). We’ve provided an exclusive chapter excerpt below from our Freshman Survival Guide book (published by Center Street Press).The book represents the culmination of years of research, interviews and surveys with hundreds of students, administrators, professors, education experts, psychologists and campus ministers from across the country. The reactions to advance copies of the book from some of the nation’s top experts in the field have been nothing short of incredible — you can read them here.

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A number of Colleges and Universities have already begun the process of ordering bulk copies at a significant discount for their entire incoming freshman classes. We’ve also had inquiries from donors and administrators interested in getting copies for classes of high school seniors preparing to graduate. For more information on ordering, contact us.

Chapter 2 Be Generous with Your Friendship but Stingy with your Trust

Survival Strategy #1: Making good friends in college is important, but it takes time. Be patient, be smart, and stay connected to your support network — the friends and family who helped get you this far.

At college new people can feel like your old friends. You’re eating together, studying together, crashing in each other’s rooms, and sometimes spending more time with them than you ever could with your friends from back home. The relationships feels familiar, comfortable.

The friends you have back home didn’t get to be your friends overnight. It took months — or more likely, years — to establish those relationships. If you’re like 97 percent of freshmen entering a four-year college, you’re either eighteen or nineteen years old.1 The fact is you already have years of experience under your belt building the kinds of relationships you’ll need in the next few months and years. You’ve been through tough times with your old friends and have learned their strengths and weaknesses. You trust them because they’ve proven themselves trustworthy. They know and keep your secrets and you know and keep theirs.

Be aware that there can also be a kind of artificial intimacy early on in freshman year. These new friends need to earn your trust. Don’t just give it to them. The people you meet in your first few weeks of school may be great, some of them may turn out to be the best friends of your life, and some of them may turn out to be criminals (seriously). Every freshman class has its gems and its jerks. Which are which will become clear over the next few months. Remain open to new friendships, but wait until you get to know people a little before you loan them your car, give them all your passwords, or share your deepest secrets with them.

Check out our “16 Second Survival” video contest that challenges current college students to offer their favorite piece of advice to incoming freshman (the best video will win a $100 gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Beyond… see details and more videos here).

Survival Story

AThe first couple of weeks on campus Danielle and Laurie had really connected; they had a lot in common, shared a major, came from similar backgrounds, and just enjoyed each other’s company. When Danielle wanted to borrow her sweater, Laurie was really pleased. She felt as if she was back home with her old friends. Lately, though, Laurie had been having second thoughts about the friendship. It seemed Danielle was always in crisis and half of Laurie’s wardrobe was now missing from all the “borrowing.” When Laurie wanted to go out, Danielle wanted her to stay in and talk about her latest problem.

The last straw was the night Laurie had a paper to finish but spent the night with Danielle crying on her shoulder instead. Laurie was feeling isolated and overwhelmed. It wasn’t terribly surprising; Laurie had always been the one her friends turned to in high school. She was a good listener and a patient friend, but she also had a tendency to be the one people took advantage of.

SEEK → FIND

On a big campus, look for smaller groups, clubs, and activities to get involved with (including the campus parish or Newman Center!). On a small campus, look for larger things to be involved with outside your campus community (church, Habitat for Humanity, volunteer tutoring, etc.). DO NOT PUT THIS OFF. Get involved right away, even though it’s hard when you’re the new one. Jump in when *everyone’s* new, and it’s easier.

Reverend Larry Rice

CSP, Director, St. Thomas More Newman Center at the Ohio State University

Look for companions who are positive, who have healthy lifestyles, who are exploring wellness or healthy alternatives in how they approach various things, whether it’s their physical bodies or their religious seeking or their relationships. Seek people who have a positive approach as opposed to a negative, self-centered, extremely individualistic one. When you surround yourself with companions who have something deeper, something healthier, then you yourself are protected from the negative influences that are out there and so endemic.

Reverend Bonnie Hazel Shoultz

Buddhist chaplain, Syracuse University

Laurie thought about other places on campus that Danielle could get support: their RA, the counseling center, even other friends in their dorm who might be willing to invite Danielle out and helped her make some of those connections. For her part, Laurie began to seek out some friends that could offer her support instead.

As you make friends, don’t let the relationships become limited or isolating. Remain open to new friendships and as a matter of habit check the pulse of the ones you’re in. After your first week, reassess your new friendships. Do it again after your first month. If the friends you connected with initially don’t seem to be a good fit, keep looking. Think of your entire first semester, not just the first two weeks, as a chance to keep meeting new people. It can get tiring, especially if you’re a less outgoing person, but the benefit of finding the right friends for you is really worth the effort.

There’s a tendency to settle in with the first group of people you meet. It feels safer somehow when everything else is suddenly different to have at least that part of life handled. But the people you choose to be friends with can make a huge difference in nearly every aspect of college life: study habits, interactions with other groups of people, how you spend your free time. Choose carefully and remember you can make a new choice anytime.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are”? If all your buddies are always on you to come out with them when you’ve got work to do, it’s going to take superhuman strength to keep saying no. If you’re struggling to work more and party less, look for friends who are doing okay academically and imitate their habits. Conversely, if you feel as if you’re spending all your time in the library, find some friends who are involved in campus activities and get out there a little yourself. Need help sorting through all that? Check out the Toxic Friendships section at the end of this Chapter.

Don’t just hang out with the people on your floor, or in your major. Not only is that boring after a while, it will drive you crazy because with groups of friends comes drama! Instead, join a few great clubs, talk to people in your classes, and meet your friends’ friends. Just be a friendly person, and in time you’ll get close to some people from all over campus. I met my closest college friend because we had been making small talk on a bus home. I asked her to dinner that night. Be yourself. People like that.

Becky

Providence College

Be careful who you make friends with, have thick skin, because those friends might not last for four years, but there will be some special ones that do.

Senior

Dominican University

In with the New (and Keep Up with the Old)

Take time with new friends to really get to know each other and keep in touch with friends from back home. When the chips are down and you need some encouragement to keep moving forward, you’ll be glad you invested in your relationships. Whether or not you’ve been great about keeping in touch, an old friend or mentor is usually thrilled to hear from you, even if it’s just so you can whine for a little while.

Don’t let guilt or worry about work to be done keep you from tending these life-sustaining relationships. When stress or loneliness starts to get the best of you, fight back by reaching out. You won’t always need this kind of support, but especially during the first few weeks of college you’re entitled to it.

One of the biggest challenges is worrying about all kinds of new issues at the same time you’re building a new support network — the friends and mentors who will help you navigate this new situation. Make sure you take time to tend your relationships, the old ones and the new ones.

You may get along great with your parents, or maybe not. Either way, parents can be one of your most important supports right now; in many ways they know you better than anyone else. “You have to make your own decisions about when to talk to your parents and how much to tell them about your life,” says Dr. Richard Kadison, chief of Harvard University Mental Health Services.” But when making that decision, remember that being an independent adult doesn’t mean going it alone. Part of being mature is learning when to share problems and concerns and when to ask for help. Even if your parents can’t understand exactly what you’re going through, their love goes a long way — what they don’t get, they’ll usually try to understand and work with you to get through it.”

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The 6 Best Ways to Meet New People in College (According to Students)

Get involved. We’ve all heard it a million times, but it is true. You’re not going to meet people by sitting in your room watching TV — you have to get out there. Try going to smaller events that allow for more one-on-one interaction.

Live in a dorm. There are all sorts of great reasons to live off campus, depending on the university, but when you first get there you’ll find no better way to meet people than to live in the dorms.

Keep an open door. Keeping your dorm room door open when you’re there increases your opportunities to connect with other people on your floor. “On my hallway people were always in and out of each others’ rooms getting to know everyone.”

Take classes with strangers. Definitely. “Don’t take classes with friends; take one with completely new people. Trust me, it’s better. Why? Because if you hang out with someone random from your one random class in the dining hall, then you’ll meet their friends and your social network just increased threefold.”

Eat in the dining hall. A ton of people are always there, and you can almost always find someone sitting alone. It’s easy to find people to eat with, and there is always something to talk about (the food and how good or, more accurately, how bad it is). Also, if you can’t find someone new, there is almost always someone you know to sit with.

A Table That Fits

Chat with people in the dining hall line who seem interesting, and ask to sit with them when you all get your food. That way you’re all at the same part of the meal. There is nothing worse than sitting down when everyone else is about to get up.
Ask someone you recognize — from class, orientation, extracurricular activity, etc. — someone you’d like to get to know better if you can join them, even if you don’t know anyone else at the table.
Stick to the big tables. Much of the time people who sit at the small tables do so for a reason. Go to the big tables and try to sit with a diverse group of people who look like they’re all having a good time.

I called my parents. I would fight with them a lot during my senior year [in high school]; I didn’t have a good relationship with them. I wanted to leave! But once I came to college, it was different. I would call my parents, and the next thing I knew, our relationship had changed. It was more mature, trusting, and more of a friendship. Granted, they still are my parents and the “authoritarian” figures, but being able to communicate with them on another level and having a different level of trust improved my relationship with them. I came to realize that they will always be there for me!

Junior, UCLA

I got involved in a lot of clubs and things and made some great friends just by being myself. This kept me too busy to really think about how homesick I might have been. Also, I called my family on the phone every day for the first few weeks. There is nothing wrong with that.

Sophomore

Stonehill College

Six Kinds of Toxic Friendships

Just as there are really great people on every campus, there are also creeps. The selfish, the dishonest, the bullies, the social climbers — they got into college too and they’ll be living in your dorm and sitting next to you in class. Here are six types to watch out for:

The Constant Crisis: Friendship is give and take. If you find you’re always listening to other people’s troubles but they never listen to yours, or your friends are in a constant state of crisis, do your best to connect them with help while you’re connecting with some new friends.
The Joker: Teasing in a friendship is okay, but if you find you’re always on the wrong end of the joke or your friends can dish it out but can’t take it, ditch those friendships and find people who are nice to you
The Furious Friend: Don’t remain in friendships with people who throw things or throw punches. Violent people often escalate their level of violence when they’re under stress, and college is a stressful environment; it will only get worse as the semester wears on.
The Liability (aka: you’re not their mother!): If you always find yourself searching the room for these friends when it’s time to go home or cleaning up after them in the wee hours of the morning (if you haven’t had any experience with this yet, trust me, it’s not a pretty sight), move on to slightly more responsible friends. A lot of people are going to screw up or go too far but if it’s a habit, stop hanging out with these people and let somebody else be their mother.
The “No” Friend: Are you always having to do what they want to do, go where they’ve decided to go, hang out with the people they choose to? Or maybe these friends just never want to do anything. Either way, there are enough people on campus who do have the capacity for compromise that you don’t have to hang with people who are pushy or inflexible.
The Arm-Twister: Not the friends who get you to try a new sport, but the friends who press you, sometimes by nagging, other times by mocking, to do things that are against your values or leave you feeling guilty afterward.

Some of these relationships are just annoying and others can really be poisonous. You’ll have a lot on your plate as a new college student, so if you find yourself in a friendship that takes away more emotional energy than it gives you, don’t be afraid to let that friendship fade and replace it with more life-giving ones. Check in with your old friends and talk it through, or if you’re really struggling to get free of a toxic friendship — and if 3 Ways to Disengage (below) doesn’t work for you — check out Chapter 18 on finding help on campus.

3 Ways to Disengage

1. Get busy. Join a new activity. This will give you the opportunity to make new friends and get away from the ones you may be having problems with. People can’t get mad at you, or at least they can’t reasonably be angry, if you have a practice, meeting, or rehearsal. And if they do get mad, point out that they should try joining something.

2. Branch out together. In most cases toxic relationships are isolating, so instead of finding yourself in a situation where you’re stuck again with needy friends, invite others along. This takes the pressure off and allows you, and possibly the toxic friends, to meet new people. If they don’t want to join in with others then go ahead and have fun yourself. You are not responsible for making others happy.

3. Let your feelings be known. Reveal what you feel to the one you want to disengage from, not to others. Don’t talk about people behind their backs — that’s the easiest way to hurt feelings and to be a pretty bad friend. But if the friends you’re trying to distance yourself from confront you, tell them the truth — in the way you’d want to be told. Try using statements like “I came to college to expand my horizons and networks, and right now it seems like this is the best way for me to achieve that.”

Be Generous with Your Friendship but Stingy with your Trust

Friendship is one of the most important aspects of college life and one of the most challenging. Stick up for yourself and find people to hang with who will also stick up for you. A recent college graduate really summed it up well: “Your friends have an enormous influence on the person you are and the person you’ll become. Choose them carefully, and choose friends that are like the person you hope to be.”